Picture the scene...
The streets of London Village, gleaming with grease, stale lager and bodily fluids. A slender figure in blue and red flickers between grey and glass walls. Voices raised, an alleyway: an elderly couple tussle with a hooded youth apparently intent on snatching their precious valuables. Enter Spidey:
SPIDERBLOKE [JOVIAL]: What's occurring?
HOODIE: Fackin' ell. What the fack are you supposed to be?
WOMAN: Oh god George, don't provoke im, you know what these poofters are like!
MAN: Don't let im near yer ayndbag!
SPIDERBLOKE: What? Hang on...
We watch with increasing resignation as the hooded yoof proceeds to use the lady's shopping bags to knock Spidey to the ground, where - cheered on by the elderly couple - he kicks and punches our would-be hero to a a pulpy red and blue mess.
'Look - it's Spiderman!'
'What a wanker.'
Rescuing a small child's kitten from a tree, Spidey is confronted by the child's father, a great red bulldog of a man with a clean-shaven head and an English Defence Leage bin-liner style bomber jacket. Father and child watch blank-faced as their Staffy mauls Spidey for a good fifteen minutes. Some good close-ups of the dog's mouth tearing into Spidey's costume here.
Broken and bleeding, Spidey hobbles out into the gleaming sunlight of a London high street.
'Look at the state of 'im'
'Don't let 'im near ver kids.'
A collection of passing school-kids give Spidey a good shove and his legs give way. Soon he is surrounded by pedestrians eager to film his plight.
SPIDERBLOKE: Could... someone please... call me an ambulance?
'Spiderphile!'
'Knockin' abart dwessed like vat you deserve a kickin'!'
30 minutes in, Spidey is no longer able to move. He has become a human spittoon.
The following 1 hour and 15 minutes of the movie will consist of a montage of pedestrian legs and Spidey-pile. Occasionally, a dog will cock a leg and urinate on him. There is frequent derisive laughter and the sound of camera-phones snapping material for Vine and InstaGram.
Occasionally, garbled, plaintive noises will emerge from the wound where Spidey's mouth used to be, through bubbles of phlegm and blood.
At the 120 minute mark, Spidey stops breathing.
Roll credits.
Image credits:
http://www.comicvine.com/spider-man/4005-1443/forums/what-happened-to-spider-man-6989/
http://cdn.badassdigest.com/uploads/images/39696/1297182761-sad-spiderman__span.jpg
https://drawception.com/pub/panels/2012/11-13/ybeFPb1Pq2-6.png
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