Sunday, 22 September 2013

Spotted! Brighton male model Tucker in scandalous, incestuous, nepotistic love triangle with not one, but TWO married women… AGAIN

Toby Tucker: Brighton's beautiful rebel
Toby Tucker, Brighton’s best-loved Z-list celebrity, known for his dabbling in DJ-ing, stage acting and, most recently, modelling, had never seemed like the most innocent of personalities to anyone who’d vaguely heard of him. In the past there have been allegations against Toby that included drug dealing, violent assault, and even DVD piracy. It is no surprise then, that Mr. Tucker is seemingly involved in yet another crooked story that would certainly shock most people’s grandmothers.

Last Thursday, Toby was spotted having what at first seemed like a fairly innocent cup of coffee with two women in a well-known high street coffee outlet on London Road, an area where he regularly carries out retail modelling work. Our eye-witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recalls: “I must admit I was a bit star-struck when I saw Toby with his two girls, and so when they’d finished their drink I followed them, at a distance, to see where they was going. I thought I would, like, soak up a bit of the glamorous lifestyle… but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw”. 

The witness followed the trio to the Brighton Jury’s Inn hotel, where they proceeded to check into a room together. Hungry for more star-studded activities, the eyewitness then scaled the hotel’s wall in order to catch a glimpse into the room on the fourth floor they had entered. “I was never any good at PE in school”, he says, “but the curiosity really gave me strength. And then, when I looked through the window and saw them, doing ‘it’, I almost fell. When I realised who the girls were, well, I actually did fall and I’ve spent the past few days in hospital. But it was well worth it to tell my story and bring the truth to the people out there.”

Doing it with Toby: D. Rott (pictured here at a fancy dress party in May)

The two women Mr. Tucker shared a bed (and various bodily juices! gasp) with that fateful day were identified by the witness as one Mrs. Diane Rott, the married (!) co-owner of several pubs in the Brighton area, and Miss Squeezy Bum (a stage name), a struggling lingerie model/adult filmstar [editor’s note: Miss Bum is currently not married, but for the sake of the headline we can safely assume she might as well be]. Things being as they are in sexually liberated Brighton, the story might have ended there, were it not for the fact that both women are cousins of Toby Tucker’s. On top of that, both have only recently secured lucrative modeling deals with the same agency that employs Mr. Tucker (hmm!).

Three's company: Miss S. Bum, known for various "modelling" jobs, in one of her trademark poses

“It just shows you”, our eye-witness continues from his hospital bed while recovering from several broken limbs, “how DIRTY they are, for one, and secondly, that the only way to get into the industry nowadays is by sleeping around with your close relatives, and not by hard work. I myself have tried my whole adult life to break into modelling, and never have my talents been recognized. And none of my relatives ever offered to sleep with me in return for a favour. But for Toby Tucker and his friends and family, this is all just a game, they don’t care about the ordinary people with true star potential.”

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

And Now: A Word From Our Sponsors

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(clicky on the piccy to see larger version of image)

Monday, 5 August 2013


The International Cheese-Fries Review presents:



Gotham Square

Here it is, people, the mash-up of all mash-ups. Do me a favour. Imagine that, one day, the Bat-Man universe was suddenly transported to Albert Square. What if Bat-Man had been a cockney? What if the heroes and villains who prowl the streets at night were not endowed with supernatural powers or expensive gadgetry? What if they were just people… geezers, tossers, girls with huge hoopy earrings in leopard print tops… gangsters and barmaids, car mechanics and market stall gals?
This, my friends, is what it would look like. Take a step into the world of the Cockney Bat-Man.

Alfie Moon as the Cockney Bat-Man:
    With ‘batman’ only a typo away from ‘barman’, Alfie is the prime choice for the role of Cockney Batman. With his dark plastic coat swaying behind him in the dark alleys of Albert Square, he is out to solve crime and bring peace into the hearts of the people – mainly by selling booze to punters in the Vic.
(Some of you may have thought that being called Alfred, he should have been the Bat-Man’s ageing butler, but we here at The International Cheese-Fries Review think OUTSIDE of the box).

Kat Slater as Kat-Woman:

  With her burning love for low-cut tops, high heels, heavy make-up and starting a good old fight in the Vic, Kat Slater was born for the role of Kat-Woman. Her relationship with Cockney Bat-Man is, as ever, complicated: she can’t live with, and she can’t live without him. This doesn’t stop her from seducing and snogging other men on a regular basis – they just can’t resist the leopard print and those massive hoopy earrings…

Phil Mitchell as The Philguin:

 Come on, Phil Mitchell was the natural choice here. No one, and I mean no one, does being a chubby bald git and pissing people off better than he does.  It’s no secret that this geezer’s various business dabblings are all a front for criminal activity, and not even the good kind.
We liked it when the Philguin did crack.


Michael Moon as Two-Face:

Outwardly charming, Moon-Face’s other face is on the inside, where other people would have warmth and empathy. Aaaaand it ain’t pretty, man.

Janine Butcher as Talia Al Ghul:

Raised to be a cold-blooded, emotionless killer, Janine is Walford’s version of assassin Talia Al Ghul. Although in a certain way, she does bring people together. In what way? In the way that we all hate her. We hate you, Janine Al Ghul.

 Bianca Butcher as Poison Ivy:

Ever the fiery one, we have long since been suspecting that Bianca Butcher is hiding plant-based evilness behind that utterly annoying fa├žade.

Lauren Branning as Harley Quinn

Mischief, alcohol, crime, boys. She wants it all, and she wants it now. And if you don’t give it to her, she’ll go full mental on you.

Masood Ahmed as Police Commissioner Gordon

He is the only person on Albert Square that actually has any real human qualities, and you know it.


Dot Cotton as Alfred the Butler

Literally serving everyone. As the voice of morality.


Iain Beale as the Green Goblin

Iain Beale: He’s the greatest tosser you’ll even come across, and he usually puts his foot in it SO hard, that…well, that he could easily land himself in the wrong superhero universe.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Cheese Fries @ Camden Diner

London... home of a million obtuse, ignorant, posturing assholes that operate under the misguided belief that they live in the centre of God's own asshole and anything north of North London is a grotty wasteland populated by ignorant savages (oh, the irony...). Formerly fashionable Camden (spits)... yeah, never mind though. Believe me, the trawl through the endless stalls crammed with tedious quasi-alternative tat is well worth it. Some of the best goodies Team Cheese-Fries have chowed down on to-date.

This is the good stuff. The fries are crispy and cooked to a tea, and the cheese is actually a combination of two different cheeses - juicy swirls of red and gold for that authentic State-side feel. Good penetration of the cheese to the lower levels too (if there's not a hint of solidified grilled-cheese at the bottom of the bowl, you just feel fucking cheated). The menu is extensive and you can get a cherry coke, a shake or even a glass of bubbly with your meal. You can also get a pint of Red Stripe which is a nice plus.

The decor is full on token Americana and the only real downside is that the place is so popular you may have to wait a while to get the attention of staff when you inevitably want something more off the menu.