Thursday, 26 February 2015

Like TV shows but...Not

Grand Designs (but even more honest)

Kevin's gaze fixes on a complex glass shape off-camera. His eyes narrow; he is about to do a piece to camera.

"You know, when I first met Tarqule-quin and Edwina two years ago, I very much doubted they could make this work. Edwina in particular seemed to have little to no idea where she was going with this daring neoclassical Bauhaus mélange. But... looking at the finished product now, this..."
He pauses as if to consider his choice of words, when he is in fact quite obviously certain of what he is about to say, while the camera catches a quick view of the rounded glass cube adorned with scores of ionic columns. 
 "... this TURD of a house, I think it's fair to say I was absolutely bloody right."

Kevin gets hands-on with one of "his" projects

EastEnders (with glasses)

Lauren: "I'd be a prism if it weren't for you!"
Her cousin what she 'ad an affair wiv: "What the bloomin' 'eck's a prisum?"
Lauren (with glasses): "In optics, a prism is a transparent optical element with flat, polished surfaces that refract light."

Max: "She's a arse-manipulator, that one!"
Tanya: "'old on a sec, wouldya not need to use 'an' in that sentence instead of 'a'?"
Max (with glasses): "Actually, yes, in this case, you would indeed use the indefinite article 'an' to avoid a glottal stop. Thank you for correcting me, my sweet, my eternal flower." 
Max curtseys and kisses Tanya's hand delicately.

Random cast member: "GIT AHT MY PAB!"
Ian Beale (with glasses): "I think you'll find that, no matter how many times this public house changes hands in the fictional Walford universe, the set still belongs to the BBC and hence, use of the possessive pronoun in this case is somewhat presumptous." 
Ian proceeds to marry his research assistant (with glasses).

Ben (with glasses): "I'd take these off, but look what happened when you took yours off..."
Ian: *sadface*

Downton Abbey (with foul language)

Lord Grantham: "Oh bugger, the shitwits from the village are refusing to let me knock down their cunting houses so I can expand the family's grounds."
Lady Mary: "Father, you really musn't listen to those shitforbrains. Oh dear, I think fucking baby George shat his nappies again. Nurse, get your fat arse over here immediately and take care of this for me."
Mary ushers the two of them out of the room, whilst avoiding touching the child at all costs.

Mr Bates: "You are the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me, Mrs. Bates."
Mrs Bates: "And you, Mr Bates, are one fucking magnificent bastard."
They kiss timidly.

Lady Edith: "Fuck you, Mary. Fuck you so hard."
Lady Mary: "I would say the same, but I think someone's already done that to you, and yet I see no fucking ring on your finger, do you? This is the 20s you know, we got morals n shit."
Mary snaps her fingers in Edith's face and struts out to the soundtrack of Beyonce's "Single Ladies".