The International CheeseFries Review review of a fries review

Howdy folks,

Here at the International CheeseFries Review, we take two things seriously:
reviews (well, not really) and fries (though our one and only post about fries is several years old...)

Anyway! Imagine my outrage, then, as, having just tucked into a large portion of (sadly too pale) mashed potatoes, ICFR affiliate Jewelly alerted me to the fact that Independent Liverpool just reposted their list of "SOME OF THE BEST FRIES IN LIVERPOOL". My outrage here not stemming from the fact that a list of fries was published, nor from the involvement of Independent Liverpool (an organisation I am rather fond of), but rather from the content of said list. A review much in need of review.

Item 1: How not to choose a title picture

Really, I do not see the point in posting a piece all about fries when the banner at the top of the page barely shows any fries at all. The fries in this picture (all five visible ones) are hidden beneath shredded meat of some sort, a fried egg, and served as a side dish with what is clearly a burger.

"WHAT WAS ONCE A SIDE DISH HAS RECENTLY BECOME THE MAIN EVENT",

claims Independent Liverpool, having clearly not recognised that in their main picture for this article, the fries are actually still the side dish.

But inaccuracy is not the biggest crime here. Leading us swiftly onto

Item 2: How to hide almost all of the other fries beneath other foodstuffs and their associated tastes

With one notable exception (which we will address later), all of the listed fries are slathered in toppings which would surely detract from the pure taste of the innocent fry. As I'm sure we all agree, the only garnish a crisp fry should have to endure is the sweet embrace of melty cheese - call me a purist, but these principles are what the ICFR is founded on.
In most cases on this list, it's not just a topping to spice up proceedings or a condiment of sorts, it is, as in the case of the banner photo, some manner of shredded, pulled, sliced or otherwise maltreated meat. Which brings us to

Item 3: Keep your meat out of my face

Seriously. What is it with meat on fries? Getting onto my soapbox for just a minute here, I have to mention that while, as a non-meat eating person, eating out is usually not an issue, even in the most vegetarian-unwelcoming dining establishments, there was usually always one safe, reliable, and fairly cheap option to fall back on - you guessed it - fries.
So why the obsession with the meat spilling over and out of its designated place on the mains plate and onto the precious sides, the last refuge of the dining vegetarian? Again, involving meat surely makes this dish more of a main than a side, and what have we done to deserve that? Sure, we might have more mains options now, but that's no reason to take away one of our guilty-pleasure staples... Meaning that, keeping true to form, there is only one real contender in the entirety of Independent Liverpool's list, namely

Item 4: Lobster Pot

So this is it. The only real item on the list are chips from the Lobster Pot. I will mention that I have personally sampled these before, and while I have no especially negative memory (I was not actively reviewing fries at the time; the incident occurred during my public toilet reviewing phase), I also do not seem to recall either a revolutionary texture or a legendary dirtiness that would warrant the inclusion of the chips on a list of the best fries in Liverpool, where all other items appear moot. I am willing to make allowances for faulty memory and will promise to try these particular chips again in the near future, but all in all I have to say that the list I was faced with, having expected pure delights and new ideas for where to dine on a classic dish, was

a complete and utter shambles (= 3/5 stars).

All Tomorrow's Party

I recently had the intriguing experience of attending the All Tomorrow's Parties festival at Pontins in Prestatyn, Wales, curated by one of the only people I am sort-of-okay-with calling myself a fan of (and even that, I do carefully and on the sole basis that he hasn't let me down yet) - the comedian (and man) Stewart Lee.

I entered into this experience with highly mixed feelings, having on the one hand booked so far in advance that a frenzied anticipation was surely the only appropriate emotion to bring to the table, and on the other hand having been too busy being involved in both the staging of a play and a break up the previous week to even be able to think about the basics of planning for the weekend away in pretty North Wales.

Let me preface this by saying that I was very unfamiliar with the holiday experience that is a Pontins (or a Butlins, or any other holiday internment camp for that matter), but I did arrive with expectations of a somewhat dystopian fun-disabling compound - expectations which were far exceeded to say the least. However, exactly this proved to be a large part of both the charm and exhilarating surrealism of the experience.

One of approximately 4 programmes

I now present my notes on the festival (while almost completely refusing to comment on any of the actual acts because have you ever read any of my reviews?), or, more precisely, the first day of the festival.


1) On checking in for the festival.

"A polite queue with a view. Enhanced by moments of drizzle. Estimated number of programmes printed and handed out by ATP administration team: 4.

Rating of the check-in queue: 6.5/9.2"

"A vaguely muffled announcement: no chalet keys until 4pm. Mixed emotions. No word of 'welcome'? However, team proves friendly on actual contact. Success."


2) On first impressions of the compound.

"A feeling as if I haven't missed Banksy's recent Dismaland installation after all. Definite possibility also that the weekend will turn out to be another instance of Derren Brown trying to convince innocent members of the public that the zombie apocalypse is happening."

"The tea in the 'pub' is fragrant in the most mediocre sense of the word. But warm.
Rating of the tea:5.3/9.98"

"The toilet in the 'pub' proves exciting as it has a special exhibitionist toilet option for the kind of visitor that is more inclined to share (or inclined to share more) than your average holiday maker. It is also cleverly accented by the use of scalding hot water in the warm taps. Bold but interesting choice."

"The 'pub's' depressing atmosphere rapidly decreases by approx. 67% when filled with what must be most of ATP's audience (although little freedom of choice is involved here, as no one is able to check into their luxurious chalets yet)."

The only photo I took at ATP

3) Top 3 Top 3s (courtesy of Tom "Top3" Carroll)

Top 3 films!
Tom - Mystic River (2003), Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), The Wind That Shakes the Barley (2006)
Sandra - The Fall (2006), Her (2013), Adam's Apples (2005)
Davey - Once Upon a Time in America (1984), Unforgiven (1992), Downfall (2004)
Michael - Star Wars (1977), Evil Dead II (1987), Brazil (1985)
Honourable mention - Alien (1979), because John Hurt

***Bonus quote from Tom Carroll, Prestatyn native:***

"Am I in Hitler's bunker, or Prestatyn?"

Top 3 "Songs not written by someone from Britain/North America"
(Subrule A: 1 per country)
Tom - Mexican Wave by Kerbdog, Vision Valley by the Vines, Distant Son by Crowded House
Sandra - Le Plat Pays by Jacques Brel, Das Modell by Kraftwerk, No Condition Is Permanent by Marijata
Michael - Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Into My Arms by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Manhattan Skyline by A-ha

Top 3 books

Tom - Mystic River (Dennis Lehane), From Hell (Alan Moore), American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis)
Sandra - House of Leaves (Mark Z. Danielewski), Keep the Aspidistra Flying (George Orwell), The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
Davey - And the Ass Saw the Angel (Nick Cave), The Death of Bunny Munro (Nick Cave), Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (J.K. Rowling)
Michael - A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy Toole), Watchmen (Alan Moore), Don Quixote (Miguel de Cervantes)


4) Band name ideas!
"Kylie for three quid"
"Curating Concept"
"The Part Where You Said Cunt"
"Crows in the Chalet"
"Pale As the Dawn"
"Counterfeit Man"
"You Would Have a Lovely Time in Prison"
"The Taste Procreates in My Mouth"

By the way, it would have been a lovely festival, had it not been entirely cancelled.

x

My Favourite Toilets

"These are the most interesting and dirtiest walls in Derbyshire"

A public toilet (also called a bathroom, restroom, latrine, comfort room, powder room, toilet room, washroom, water closet, W.C., public lavatory, lav, convenience, loo^[1]) is a room or small building containing one or more toilets and possibly also urinals which is available for use by the general public, or in a broader meaning of "public", by customers of other services.[1]

Pictured: a private bathroom
(for the purpose of comparison)

The public toilet is a deeply interesting place. I carelessly like to assume that no one really has a particular fondness of public bathrooms. But they are a necessary evil when you are not within the vicinity of your own home-based private bathroom, or indeed, a friend’s, acquaintance’s, or arch enemy’s inside outhouse.    

For this reason specifically, I decided a while ago that The International Cheese-Fries Review should rise to the challenge of reviewing a handful of Liverpool City Centre’s public bathrooms. Being of a female persuasion and as the sole researcher in this venture, I have to apologise in advance for the fact that I was only able to sample the respective locations’ ladies’ rooms; and thus, any evidence I can give will necessarily be heavily skewed and biased. Whilst I am apologetic about this as mentioned just now, I am also revelling in this state of affairs for absolutely no reason whatsoever and to a perfectly ridiculous degree.

Public toilets are typically found in railway stations, schools, bars, restaurants, nightclubs or filling stations as well as on longer distance public transport vehicles. [1]

As you can see from the above, public toilets are clearly social animals. This goes some way toward explaining why they can usually be seen hanging out in groups.

With a modest sample size of 6 locations, my extremely limited selection (please take note: 3 of the host properties, that is: half of the sample size, are situated on Hope Street), most of which can be illustrated and underpinned by completely useless pictorial evidence, will surely make for a highly scientific review and is sure to have a great impact on the academic and political community both locally and globally.

However, please rest assured that I have personally visited and used all of these toilets at least twice (i.e. a minimum of 2 (two) times) in order to account for variances in weather, air/water pressure, alignment of stars as well as myriad other factors which may impact the rating of said shithouses.

Here, then, are my findings, arranged in order of oh-who-even-cares (bathroom selfies are to be viewed with caution and at your own risk):

The Pen Factory, Hope Street

At Hope Street’s Pen Factory, the Ladies’ rooms – if you can stretch to calling them that – will strike any visitors as somewhat basic and makeshift. So much so that I am still uncertain as to whether this is in fact more of an art installation than an actual bathroom (which would explain why I always seem to find myself alone in these particular facilities). Paper-thin wooden boards separate potential lady urinators from one other, while the floor displays generous stains of unknown origin.

There is a certain charm to this rustic simplicity, however. An added benefit is that you don’t have to walk through the actual bar/dining space to access the toilets, so you are able use them at your leisure without anyone asking questions. And isn’t that something we all really want in our lives? To not be spoken to when we go to do our business?

Overall rating – 7/10

The Philharmonic Pub, Hope Street

I have heard many people speak fondly of the lovely toilets in the Phil, citing them almost as a tourist attraction of sorts. Although I’m fairly sure that this was always in reference to the men’s rooms, which I have not been able to see to this day for reasons cited in the above introduction. In any case, the female sector is way above average for what you expect from a pub toilet – fresh flowers especially are a nice touch. But then... the pub in question is the Phil, so I would never really have expected the floors to be flooded with wee or anything. The only negative point I can think of is that the air sometimes seems a little stuffy. For that reason, I may not be able to move in after all.

Overall rating – 9/10

Marks & Spencer (Mahrks n Spahrks innit), Church Street

This one is standard department store fare in terms of lavvies – bonus points are awarded for efficient hand dryers (the type that you have to stick your hands in vertically downwards) – but this IS Marks after all – as well as the warning sign on one of the cubicles which informs the attentive reader that the door upon which it sits opens outwards (shock!). Health and Safety reigns supreme in this country and M&S is clearly its proudest stalwart.

Overall rating – 6/10

The Everyman Theatre, Hope Street

The washrooms at the Everyman are very stylish indeed. It’s almost... too much. They are: colour coordinated, industrial, and crisp. Just look at the pictures. It's everything you could ever want from a shitter, really.

Seriously, though: The taps and hand towel dispensers are fitted with sensors so you don’t have to touch them (but of course you do anyway, if you’re me, and adopt a slapping rather than a waving technique). I don’t feel good enough for these toilets. I'm currently in talks with the proprietors of the building to negotiate an assured shorthold tenancy on this particular restroom, but to be honest, I don't think I stand a chance.

Overall rating – 9.5/10

Debenhams, Lord Street

About as bog-standard as they come. Not enough confusion.

Another boring, standard, but mostly clean department store lot. I have to give minus points here simply because someone else is always in there with you. Obviously, the location can be found too easily by the general public. It must be too obvious, too well signposted – although you do have to walk past the tiny-children’s clothing section to get there, which may well prove disturbing for some unwilling or unwitting (non-)customers.

With regards to these premises, I am planning to petition for a maze to be implemented over several of the store’s floors which would take even the most shrewd of solvers roughly 20 minutes to complete before the sweet relief of bladder-emptying may begin, in order to ensure exclusive use of these premises for myself only.

Overall rating – 5/10

The Met Quarter, Whitechapel

I found the toilets at the Met Quarter shopping centre to be surprisingly large and spacious, and thus somewhat reminiscent of an expansive set of public toilets I once frequented at Manchester airport around 11am on Christmas Eve, when I believe I was the only person in this farm of about 50 cubicles, which immediately made uncouth possibilities come to the very front of my mind (It was Xmas after all. I didn’t follow through on any of these inappropriate ideas, but I have fond memories of that day nevertheless). The Met Quarter’s loos are posher than those at MAN airport; also, and this is a good thing, they are somewhat hidden away and only accessible by an elevator, so for the first-time visitor a sense of adventure is included in the price (which is a handsome £0.00 to the penny)! So why don't you go there next time you're in the area and have a posh pee. Go on, treat yourself.

Overall rating – 9/10

*UPDATE: Special bonus contender:*


The Kazimier, Wolstenholme Square

Well, isn't it always the way that you find the very best thing only after you think you've concluded your studies in a satisfactory manner.
Here, then, is the best thing: I like to call it "The friendship toilet". Spotted in the legendary Kazimier's ladies' rooms (whether it is the Kaz that is legendary or its ladies' rooms is for you to decide), this toilet displays an uncomfortable and yet exciting lack of boundaries and ensures you can still chat and hold hands with your bestie even whilst weeing to your heart's (and bladder's) content.

Overall rating - Out of this world

***

At the end of my exhaustive review, let me just say that if you were looking for a winner of this competition - there is none, despite what the numbers may suggest. As the saying goes, all's fair in love and toilets and you should go out there and find the one that works best for you.

Nature calls x

---

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_toilet

Welcome... in Blue Jam

***DISCLAIMER: Rather than writing a distracted review of something picked at random, I have, for once, decided to write a straightforward recommendation about something I love.***

[..] and when you are inside the infinite misery jumper, pulling it over and over your head, with no hope of ending, cause it replicating at the waistband, and you never get out... then ee welcome... oh, then ee arth welcome... in Blue Jam. (from the intro of Series 1, Episode 1)

Experimental radio show Blue Jam combines the wonderfully weird and sometimes sick-minded with the absurdly funny, with a tone provided by a backdrop of dreamy, strange and just downright good music.

Originally broadcast in the late 90s on Radio 1 (!) - albeit late at night - its otherness is still striking. People with a certain sense of humour and penchant for strangeness will feel immediately at home when dropped into Chris Morris' world of doctors who kiss their patients where it hurts, mentally unstable human art exhibits and bosses who offer lewd gestures instead of payrises, all swirling in and out of a sea of songs that sound like they were made for this sole purpose.

From the Pidgin-English intro poetry to whole minutes of complete or near-silence, to jagged fragments of pop songs that cut in and out - even if it does nothing else, it is likely to take you by surprise and show you what radio can be.

If you share my love for this particular blend of sound art, and hear it for the first time, you will probably cry out: "Finally! I have been waiting for this for so long and didn't even know it. Why isn't there more of this?!"

Proudly weird people, please try to make something as excellent as (not: exactly like) Blue Jam. I know I'm certainly trying. Just you watch this space.

But first, if you haven't yet, listen for inspiration. Where? The YouTube channel Cook'd Bomb'd hosts the entire two series of Blue Jam for your enjoyment.

And if you have listened, and know all about what I mean, listen again, and feel at home in your head.

x

Image credit: http://static.flickr.com/38/82190977_a889b98803_o.jpg

All (of the) Good Things (...not)

After a rather long hiatus from one of my favourite activities, I decided it was time to watch another film featuring - you guessed it - Ryan Gosling.

My choice fell on the rather blandly named "All Good Things" (that's mistake number one right there: Everyone knows "All the Good Things" sounds much better, only to be surpassed by the far superior variant "All of the Good Things"), a film which is, to put it very simply, about a couple - played by Ryan Gosling and Kirsten Dunst, whose story spans from the early 1970s up until the early 2000s.

The fact that my first impressions were somewhere along the lines of "why the hell is John Krasinski looking so thin in the face" probably only confirms that I've watched the entire run of The Office (US) one too many times (which, however, does not mean I will stop anytime soon). Meaning: It took me a while to get back into that mindset of Ryan Gosling being the only good thing to have ever happened to the world (and I'm still not sure whether I have got back into that mindset, as you may be able to see from the upcoming review).

SYNOPSIS

Professional Rich Boy David Marks (your boy RG) is just being all super-seventies in 70s New York City when he meets not-so-rich Katie (your boy Kirsten) in a very porn-esque "I've come to fix your leaky sink in a tuxedo"-scenario. 

Fast forward a few years and the happy couple have moved to Vermont (which is so close to being an anagram of "remote" it's not even funny anymore) to open a health food shop called (get this:) All Good Things. But only for about 5 minutes, before they move back to New York so Ryan can continue to be professionally employed by his daddy.

It slowly becomes apparent that Rich Boy Gosling is actually quite disturbed, due at least in part to a traumatic event that happened in his childhood, and that there is much more darkness to him than those reflective washboard abs might suggest.

dat blanket tho.

After many years of marriage with some problems and an ever-increasing distance between them, Kirsten Wife-Dunst eventually goes missing at what seems like a very late point in the movie - but then the movie still goes on for quite a while, so I guess that makes up for it(?). I won't say too much more in order not to give EVERYTHING away in case, ya know, you wanted to watch it or something. 

What I will say, however, is that this film is based on a true story (which I wasn't familiar with), and that apparently the man RG's character is based on - Robert Durst - is still alive and apparently appeared on the DVD commentary, which may seem a tiny bit weird considering that the film heavily implies he was involved in his wife's "disappearance".

ALL BAD THINGS

My main negative criticism of this film - and Ryan Gosling in general, to be honest (wow, I'm really getting disillusioned with someone here) - is a whole lotta mumbling. Yes, mumbling. In the early stages of the film, it almost seems like the editing was done in such a way as to help you along with your impaired understanding of the film, when a scene in which Ryan Gosling mumbles something that can only be transcribed as "Wuhmaryam" is directly followed by a scene of the two lovebirds in wedding attire. For fudge's sake, OPEN YOUR MAGNIFICENT MOUTH!

Like, I know he's super hot and everything, but he does this in every film, and if he still wants to have a job in 30 years' time, maybe he should consider enunciating a little clearer, or louder, or at all. 

Also, apparently, there's a kink in Gosling's genetics that makes
him turn into Chevy Chase once he reaches the age of 50.

Aside from that, as I mentioned earlier, it seems odd that the central conflict of the film - Katie going missing - seems to be almost an afterthought of everything else. 

Let me just say that I was of course, as for all my film reviews, substantially distracting myself from watching the film, so this may have contributed to my finding the before/after-missing-split somewhat awkward. Also, the mumbling didn't help.

On the other hand, there was a lot of ground to cover time-wise, so you had David and Katie when they met, looking positively youthful and fresh-faced, and then ten years later, which for the most part just involved Ryan Gosling donning dad-glasses and a less cool haircut to signify Ageing. Then much later, he magically turns into Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (see picture above), but not before indulging in a brief stint of disguise-related cross-dressing, which, when he's not wearing the wig, gives him a sort of Andy-Warhol-aesthetic (see picture below).

"yeah I'm into art now. and coffee"

CONCLUSION

If nothing else, this film shows one possible explanation for what happened to the real life Kathie Durst, who actually went missing, and whose case has not been solved. Whether it's the truth, well, no one knows, I guess. I'm not sure whether I would have liked the film more if it weren't based on a true story. Or if I'd liked it more if I hadn't known it was based on a true story. 

I don't know whether I even liked this film at all. 

It was a film, that's for sure.

It was okay.

But: If I ever do get my hands on some capital, I will open my very own health junk food shop, and I will call it "All of the Bad Things".

TAKE. THEM. OFF!

Picture credits/sources

http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/16500000/All-Good-Things-ryan-gosling-16536009-845-469.jpg

https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn01.mishkanyc.com/sites/default/files/uploads/2010/12/Picture-53.png

http://image.noelshack.com/fichiers/2013/28/1373667143-tumblr-lzt4sywv7u1qz8ovio1-500.jpg

http://towleroad.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c730253ef0147e07a7329970b-pi

P.S. - I am both fully aware and willfully ignorant of the possibility that "All Good Things" may have been chosen by the film-makers partly in order to evoke the mental continuation "...must come to an end" in viewers and re-viewers of this movie. I nonetheless remain a staunch advocate of the heavy and constant use of prepositions.

P.P.S. - While I was adding pictures to this post, I mistakenly uploaded the following gif, which was, ahem, just sitting in my pictures folder, I honestly have no idea where it came from, and which I think I should share for you all to enjoy.

You're welcome.

(source: the internets)

I will try this reviewing thing again and here comes The Words

Having watched another movie whilst fairly distracted by pointless mobile games, I feel I am qualified to publish yet another instalment in my very popular Distracted Movie-Film Reviews series.

On this occasion, I flung myself (figuratively and literally) at The Words, a film about a writer (two writers? three writers? who knows) because I'm, y'know, cultured and shit.


Synopsis
The Words starts off giving us what we professional film critics call a "frame", that is, someone reading the story we are about to watch and thus narrating the movie. This someone is Dennis Quaid (although since I was sufficiently distracted from actually watching the thing, at some point I wondered whether it was Morgan Freeman telling the story. This might be because Dennis Quaid was doing a decent Morgan Freeman impression, or possibly because of an ingrained assumption I never knew I had that any narration in film must naturally be undertaken by Morgan Freeman).

Benedict Cumberbatch's deranged uncle Dennis

Dennis Quaid (seriously, the first thing I associate him with is his role in the movie Innerspace, where he punches/slaps himself in the face to get sober, which is quite far removed from a serious accomplished writer-person, so maybe that's why I couldn't believe it was him telling the story?) reads from his obviously successful book The Words (strike 1, never put the movie/song title in the movie/song!) which is (get this:) about a writer.

This writer - Bradley Cooper (contemporary dreamboat acting person with hair), while happy in his private life (played by Zoe Saldana), is struggling to get anything published and eventually has to resort to getting a day job (gasp!) at a publisher's (which is obviously below him) to fund his lifestyle.

They keep doing it, so they must be happy!

Then he - by accident - finds a manuscript for a novel which is apparently so mindblowingly emotional it makes everyone who comes into contact with it break out in a case of the great big wet sobs and after some hesitation (but not much though, come on), publishes it as his own and becomes mega-successful (and presumably mega-rich, and presumably also more mega-sexually potent).
The big question is of course: Is he ever confronted with the truth about his stealing ways (to which the answer is yes) and if so, what happens next (well you'll have to watch the feckin' film I guess)?


Verdict
I have to note at this point that whenever I choose a movie (which is, by the way, a hard thing for me to accomplish so you may start applauding me now), I mostly go by the actors involved, to ensure that, even if it turns out to be crap, I at least spend those precious 90 minutes with a familiar (read: smokin' hot) face on my TV screen.
Therefore my main reason for choosing this particular film was Bradley Cooper (who on my personal dreamboat scale scores anywhere between 5/10 and 8/10 depending on form on the day).
However, for anyone considering watching (or not watching) this film, please be informed that it brings with it some rather nice unexpected dreamboat madness™ in the form of Ben Barnes, who plays the main character in the stolen book and who is so impossibly and ridiculously handsome that he seems to get roles only in films that are either fantasy-laden, such as Stardust and Narnia, and therefore justify above-average perfectness, or the film version of The Picture of Dorian Gray, which for bloody hell's sake is all about someone who is almost supernaturally handsome.

Completely and utterly ridiculous.

Therefore, strike 2: If you have bloody Ben Barnes in your movie, put Ben Barnes on the bloody promotional pictures. Other than that: nice surprise, thank you <3

On a related note, there is an old man in the film played by Jeremy Irons with a horrendous accent that sounds exactly like, well, a British person badly putting on an American accent. I forget whether he actually mentions in the movie that his character "spent some time growing up in London" (or was I imagining that?), but even if that is the case, in no possible universe would some time in London and some time in Paris result in such a monstrosity of a confused accent. Geez, get it together, Jeremy.

Accent peeves aside (mind you, they are no trifling matter to me!) - in summary, this film about a successful book about a successful stolen book is not a bad movie. The ending is interesting as it directly discusses the meaning of the book and thereby also the film (wow so meta) but then doesn't give you a definitive answer, so presumably it's supposed to make you go away and think and have discussions with your intellectual friends (you know, like Inception) about what it all meeeaaans, but in my case, it just made me go "oh" and then turn my mind to something completely different. 


In many ways, I hope this review will have the same effect on you.

x

Picture credits/links
http://www.filmofilia.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/The-Words_i3.jpg
http://ilarge.listal.com/image/1574175/968full-ben-barnes.jpg
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/63/1b/1a/631b1a8bfc42631a2ae0f5e225590185.jpg

An artist and a psychiatrist walk into a bar...

"Stay" is - you guessed it - yet another movie featuring prominent ethereal feministe Ryan Gosling in a starring role. I chose this movie to review since it doesn't seem to be that well known, which is a little surprising considering its cast, which also features fairly famous (usually) Scottish (usually) bearded (but neither in this movie) dreamboy (always) Ewan McGregor, as well as fairly famous female actrice Naomi Watts.

Though I know this movie quite well I haven't seen it in several months, so I hope that will provide a decent amount of distractedness for my review to not be too good.

(SIGHS)

In a daring move, Gosling chose to play himself in this movie - a sensitive, somewhat depressive art student with hair, while An McGregor (there is nothing, and I repeat, nothing, "Ew" about Mr. McGregor) slips into the role of a psychotherapist who has taken on art-boy as a patient and likes his trouser legs to end well above his ankles (he's trendy like that). Art-Boy Gosling tells Psych-Boy McGregor that he will kill himself in a few days on his 21st birthday, in a matter-of-fact way that suggests free will has nothing to do with it. He also predicts a hailstorm, so you know he's for reals.

(SIGHS WHILE FROWNING)

Naomi Watts plays McGregor's partner in this movie, who, coincidentally, also has a history of both suicide (attempted, that is) and art. She is employed in the movie to try and keep him sane while things get more and more confusing for all of us. Art-boy Gosling also gets a love interest to brood at sensitively from afar, so that's nice.

(SYNCHRONISED SIGHS)

I don't want to say too much more about what happens in the movie, because it'd be a shame to spoil(er) it for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. 

My instructions would be the following: Watch it (to get it out of the way) and then re-wind your DVD in your cassette player and watch it again straight afterwards, in order to appreciate the things you missed the first time round.

(EVEN MORE SIGHING... THIS TIME IN THE RAIN)

Even if you don't appreciate the plot/message/whatever the movie is trying to make you think about (if anything), if you are me or a similar human you will likely love the visual quality of it. And believe it or not, that's not solely a reference to the dreamboy and -girl cast.

Maybe I should throw in the fact that there is an entire tumblr page devoted to Ryan Gosling's character in this movie (or does that not count for much these days)?

But hey, don't take my word for any of this. Let's see what ex-Marilyn Manson bassist and prominent film critic Tim Skold has to say about today's movie recommendation:

... or maybe not.

...Remind me to (try to) consult him on the next one.

so long
x

Image sources
http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/upload/yuiupload/995318343.jpg
http://www.felsefehayat.net/wp-content/gallery/stay-movie/stay-movie-felsefehayat-6.gif
http://gabtor.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/stay_4.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lv8m7qt2wX1r4fpjoo1_500.png
not sure about the Tim Skold picture, I've had that on my hard drive for ages because it's literally that good

Watching another movie. Eurgh.

So, I just came into the bedroom a while ago and Milk had the laptop set up on the bed and was watching this movie and he says "it's about this guy who falls in love with his phone... or something".

I am really reluctant to watching movies I haven't seen before. Also, I was afraid it might be something like a short film he once linked me to about a man who gets a bathtub pregnant (it's weird in an unsettling way and you should totally watch it).

Turns out this phone-love movie has got Joaquin Phoenix dressed as Leonard from the Big Bang Theory (that actor, by the way, played the kid Rusty in the Griswolds' Xmas vacation. I know right? Mind blown.) in the leading role, because in this version of the near future everyone dresses like a stereotypical nerd and one of the first things I actually pay attention to is what has to be one of the best puns ever.
This woman says to him, to Joaquin Leonard Rusty Phoenix, she says:

"Keep walking!"

.....Get it?..

"Keep Joaquin!".....HA HA HA HA HA HA

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I SAY SO.

So right now, he's having a romantic conversation with his phone/operating system and she (Ms. OS) is close to OSgasm and I think this might actually be an interesting film. Too bad I'm not paying a lot of attention to it.

Yeah... come to think of it, I think all of my reviews are going to be written from the perspective of someone who is too distracted to actually concentrate on the subject matter.

He's having an awkward morning-after conversation with his operating system. Dudes. His OPERATING SYSTEM. You guys should totally watch this movie and tell me if it's any good.

x

P.S. I have been reliably informed that this film is called "Her".

That movie 'Drive'. It's a bit stabby.

Hello kids.

Although this blog is called The International Cheese-Fries Review, we haven't done an awful lot of reviews to date. So just for a change, I'm reviewing a movie today. This is the movie 'Drive' which was new about 2 years ago (look at us, always up to speed with what the kids like! ...it was on iPlayer, y'know.)

Synopsis.

Prominent feminist Ryan Gosling is a stunt driver slash getaway driver slash monosyllabic hottie boy next door. When he takes on a getaway driving case that he is personally involved in (because he's taken a shine to his equally hot female neighbour and her recently returned husband), things turn bad, and from then on in, lots of people get stabbed. Ryan also does some of the stabbing and/or kicking someone's head in with relevant sound effects. Then he gets in his car and drives away.

Verdict. 

I did not understand this movie. In my non-understanding (which is not to be mistaken for non-liking) of this movie, I noted the following things:

1. This movie definitely does not pass the Bechdel test, which, for a movie starring the prominent feminist Ryan Gosling in a starring role, is frankly an utter disgrace. (Bad.)

2. Carey Mulligan stars alongside the prominent feminist Ryan Gosling, which is rad because hey, she's like, a cross between me and my cousin, and that's about the hottest thing anyone can imagine. (Good!)

3. Not unlike Carey Mulligan, Sin Tucker and myself, the soundtrack to this movie is the sex.

Here is one of the tracks that is the most sex (also Good):

And on that note, I wish to end, and invite further opinion on this movie, and enlightenment that may clear up my non-understanding of this movie's intentions, which was possibly caused by the distraction that is touchscreen puzzle games, woe is me.

x

Cheese Fries @ Camden Diner

London... home of a million obtuse, ignorant, posturing assholes that operate under the misguided belief that they live in the centre of God's own asshole and anything north of North London is a grotty wasteland populated by ignorant savages (oh, the irony...). Formerly fashionable Camden (spits)... yeah, never mind though. Believe me, the trawl through the endless stalls crammed with tedious quasi-alternative tat is well worth it. Some of the best goodies Team Cheese-Fries have chowed down on to-date.


This is the good stuff. The fries are crispy and cooked to a tea, and the cheese is actually a combination of two different cheeses - juicy swirls of red and gold for that authentic State-side feel. Good penetration of the cheese to the lower levels too (if there's not a hint of solidified grilled-cheese at the bottom of the bowl, you just feel fucking cheated). The menu is extensive and you can get a cherry coke, a shake or even a glass of bubbly with your meal. You can also get a pint of Red Stripe which is a nice plus.

The decor is full on token Americana and the only real downside is that the place is so popular you may have to wait a while to get the attention of staff when you inevitably want something more off the menu.

http://www.goodlifediner.com/sites/default/files/diner-menu/Final_menu_ARTWORK_Approval4.pdf