Showing posts with label original (bad) writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label original (bad) writing. Show all posts

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

HOT BOOZE

based on "Knecht Ruprecht", a classic German Christmas poem (http://www.weihnachtsstadt.de/gedichte/klassisch/knecht-rupprecht.html)
- meaning I stole the basic structure and meter (but possibly not very well...).


From up near Toxteth is whence I came
I tell you, it’s freezing there just the same!
All the street lights are flickering
To the sound of residents bickering
And over by the Princes Park roundabout
I heard somebody scream and shout
And as I cycled past shady Princes Park
A little, old-fashioned voice cried: Hark!
Chucky dear, it said, you daft old bird
Get yer arse in gear and spread the word

The pubs are starting to sell hot booze
So there really is no time to lose
Everyone in Liverpool
Is now allowed to lose their cool
And tomorrow I’m going down as well
And boy will I drink, I’ll drink like hell!

I said: Hi mate, whoever you are,
That sounds like a plan, at least so far.
I just need to pop into my flat
And see where all my cash is at.
“Will you have enough for mulled wine – lots?”
I said, I’ll even have enough for shots.
Because this jolly Christmas time
Is an excuse to drink hot wine
“Will you have enough for doughnuts too?”
I said: Lad, calm down, of course I do.
You can’t exactly enjoy this place
Without stuffing something sweet into your face.

The stranger said: That’s boss yano.
Go ‘ed then bird, on the lash you go.

From up near Toxteth is whence I came
I tell you, it’s freezing there just the same!
Now off to warm up with boozy drink
Don’t give a toss what any of youse think.


Monday, 21 November 2016

Fries in the rain

Fries in the rain
So much pain
Chips got all soggy
Fries in the rain

Rain-soggy, not gravy
Chips gone all wavy
Really not pretty
Fries in the rain

Gone cold as well
Think you can tell
Go tell the chippy
Fries in the rain

Wrote a crap poem
Thought that might show 'em
Drove 'em insane
Fries in the rain.


Friday, 16 September 2016

Thoughts on things - On being a journalist, in the world

Hello kids. Sin here.

You may all know me as the cosmopolitan, jet-setting, affair-having, sexual adventurer-warrior that I play in everyday life, but behind the facade lies a human being that actually cares about her work. ...well, a little at least.

I saw a pair of shoes online today. The six inch heels were made of some sort of petrol coloured metal and the rest of the shoe was floaty-white and feathery (with actual feathers stuck to it). Needless to say I ordered three pairs, one for me, one as a backup and one just in case.

I might run out of money for this month.

Anyway, I think these shoes are a great metaphor for how I work, and how I think.

like this, except completely different

I'm also planning my next excursion (not: holiday!) in order to find the most exotic and interesting sound samples that the band I represent (the Mekno SEt) can use on their next album which is due in 2020.
I've been trying to collect sound samples around where I live in the good old U of K, but so far the bins I've been recording have not turned up much apart from a slight crackling from the odd freshly disposed-of crisp packet or two. I like to nod enthusiastically and act as if I totally get it whenever I meet up with the band, but to be completely honest I'm not sure what they meant when they said they were looking for a "behind-the-bins sort of sound". I'm going out again this afternoon to buy guacamole and might see if the clothes recycling bin behind Tesco's turns up anything more useful than what I have so far.



The last time I spoke to my cousin to try and clarify the matter, all she said was "Sin, I've got sublimation coming out of my ears, I can't really talk right now" and hung up the phone. And they tell me I'm the weird one. Although on second thought, it was 4 a.m. so she may have been anywhere between actually asleep/high/drunk/sleep-deprived/severely annoyed that I woke her up/still mad at me for that time I was convinced she was wearing a wig made from my hair.

The point is, I'm a very busy woman and I'm worried that I'm wasting my time on recording stuff they won't be able to use, not even as the background noise you give to Milk which then gets mixed so low that it might as well not be there at all (but he still insists it adds to the timbre of the song, whatever that means).

I have my own issues thank you very much.

But yeah, they're gonna do music and apparently that is all that even matters.

...x
(hesitant kiss)

Thursday, 13 August 2015

I have a headache

This is the cat that owns the entirety of Ventnor Road, Wavertree.

Hardly anyone knows that this creature alone controls who may access the road and who may not.

Like a guardian at the gates, it sits - a power immeasurably greater than mere human strength. But there are no gates here.

Do not yield to the images inevitably flooding your mind, images of an aggressive animal scaring people off its territory by physical means - for this being is far more cunning.

Ventnor Road may appear on maps, and it may exist in the actual world based on scientific evidence. People live there, after all.

But not everyone can actually see it. 

If you are persona non grata in the eyes of the Cat, then you will drive, cycle, walk, even saunter past Ventnor Road without registering its existence. Hence, you will not use it. Ever.

It will be there, but your brain will not allow you to see it.

Worse still, if you start looking for it, the blockage becomes more extreme, and your vision may become blurry, or even black out.

It is therefore not advisable, if you have not used this road before (and are therefore accepted), to start looking for it now. Serious health issues may occur.

Then again, I'm not seriously worried that you'll use Ventnor Road against the Cat's better judgement.

Because how can you use a road you don't know exists?

Monday, 13 July 2015

Liverpool is my cousin


The sky was spotty on the day I decided that Liverpool was my cousin. Matted, dotted, ruffled. Rippled. Stippled. Like a light drizzling of rice pudding on a sky-blue plate.
It was a long day; it had lasted almost a week at this point already. I had just discovered my second ever friendship toilet and was extremely excited by the idea of this mode of relieving oneself in the company of a friend becoming a veritable trend in the city I had learned to love. 


The thought of performing pieces of my mind to a public audience had been occupying the edges of dreams and the fringes of possibility. To this end, I had attempted to organise some words of fiction in a paper-bag-brown notebook. But everything that dribbled onto the pages in red ink was a semblance of the actual truth and not at all fictional enough. Truth not in a sense of a lesson to be learnt or a moral to be taken away, but truth in a crude sense, in that all the words on paper were also words in my mind.


Around the middle of this week-long day I mused that I might need a different canvas, and broke several pencils attempting to pen poetry on one of the walls enclosing my modest back yard.
Two days later, when the evening had finally arrived, the black lines on the back of my hand seemed to suggest that sleep was indeed a viable option.


Whilst I was furnishing my night-water with ice, however, I suddenly realised that the word bedtime had become increasingly meaningless over the last week or so (was it still just a day? I could no longer be sure), prompting me to stay sedentary in the back yard on a wicker chair that pressed its intricate pattern into the backs of my bare thighs.

A whole week later, the day was still ongoing; the sky refused to turn dark and instead alternated pleasing shades of pink and red in a display I was quite sure was intended expressly for my viewing pleasure.


As the world started to fold in on itself, I realised I had ceased to be the centre of my own universe, and that I may just end up outside of the fold. The gaping abyss slowly and appreciatively swallowed up chunks of the city, and the only group that could be seen to be paying any sort of attention was a drove of passing fire extinguishers. I think I even heard some applause as two tiny streaks of dark blue finally crept into the darkening sky, and it was only then I decided that Liverpool was my cousin.



The End x


(All photos by Chucky)

Monday, 9 March 2015

Strike of the binmen

Do you remember that time in Brighton (and here, I'm talking especially to those people that don't remember because they weren't there), in 2013, when the binmen went on strike during one of the hottest, most tourist-laden weeks in June?

I do.

I remember places like St James's Street in Kemptown, already narrow streets and pavements, already difficult to navigate, with residents, tourists and the occasional cluster of chuggers to fight through. And now, there were the growing piles of rubbish everywhere to contend with, as well.

First it was just that the bins were full. Then there were cans and bottles balanced on top of the bins, empty crisp packets and plastic bags strewn around the sides.



Then... slowly... it started mounting up, so you couldn't be entirely sure if there had ever been a bin there in the first place. On practically every corner in the town centre and on the seafront, the piles could be seen, often so large that there was only a narrow space of pavement left to pass them by.



Occasional bits of furniture had been thrown in, rousing only slight interest among the otherwise boring collection of household and tourist waste.



And there was the smell. Oh, the smell. In the middle of June, at the height of summer, with several events happening that very week, the binmen had chosen wisely for an effective statement. Brighton and its sunny beaches were packed with people. Throngs and throngs of people. And the rubbish dropped by all of these humans was starting to rot and fester in the heat of the June sun, leaving an unwelcome tang in the noses and throats of pedestrians. The strike was supposed to last a whole week, and surely, so would everyone's mounting disgust.

The tourists could go back home, and forget the sights and smells they had experienced, but for those of us who lived there, already cramped in our rooms in shared houses, our tiny studio flats, our tiny bar stools in tiny corners of tiny local pubs, we had to live with it. Our rubbish was kept indoors during that week because everything was already full, or so it seemed. Whether we stayed at home or ventured out, we could not escape it.

Why? I (don't) hear you ask, why did this happen?
Because Brighton and Hove had to learn the hard way to value its binmen, rather than cutting their pay, their livelihood in a city that was already ridiculously expensive and edging ever closer to London living expenses.

The strike was supposed to last a week.

A week went by.
And then another week went by, but the mountains had not disappeared, neither had they diminished.

They had grown.



June became July, and the binmen were nowhere to be found. Were they in hiding, had they gone on holiday (if so, how could they afford it?). No one knew. Brighton and Hove seemed to have learned their respective lessons, but the binmen would not return.

The pavements soon became unusable, the rubbish overflowing onto the streets, causing some actual and many near-accidents. Temperatures were still high, but the people of Brighton had taken to wearing scarves and masks to soften the harsh blow to their smell receptors.

By August, neither pavements nor roads were visible anymore. Everything seemed to be coated in a layer of rubbish, though it may have still been thin in some places. People seemed to have given up, not bothering with rubbish bags anymore. Wrappers and cartons would rain from the sky, having been thrown out of second or third story windows.



At the beginning of September, the beaches started to feel the effects. So far they had been the last refuge and source of hope, and although they had been crowded beyond comfort, there had been a sense that everyone was entitled to a speck on this plane of forgetting reality.
Now, the avalanche had encroached upon Brighton and Hove's beloved pebbles. The sound of the waves washing up to the shore was no longer accompanied by the soft re-arranging of the pebbles within, but by an ugly cracking, hissing, folding, creaking of plastic, paper, cardboard and tin.

The last bastion of hope had been taken. There was nothing left.

By October, the city's population had halved, and most businesses had ceased to operate. Those that remained lived harsh, unforgiving lives, defined by their daily struggle to navigate through swathes of waste. Some had taken to living on the rooftops of houses, the interiors of which had filled up to the brim.
What was now left of the memories of generous tourists boosting the city's economy, of parks in the summer, of buskers in the Lanes, and refreshing pints in pubs on every corner? They were but a distant shadow in the crumbling, stinking remains of this once much-loved place.


No one would ever go into Brighton or Hove again. Eventually, the surrounding communities resolved to build a tall, black wall around the city, so that nothing and no one would ever come out again, either.
They simply walled off the problem. Out of sight, out of mind. It's that easy.


Now, Brighton is no more. Neither is Hove.




May this tale be a lesson to all of you. Love your binman and your binwoman, lest they ever decide to not be your binperson anymore.


*** Based on a true story. Photos by Milk McKenzie. ***

Thursday, 3 July 2014

More bad writing



A mist rises above the city. 

The day is in its nineteenth hour, and it is tired of all the shit you've been giving it.

The sky is situated in a general upward area, and the ground, unsurprisingly, remains where it is.

From somewhere far away, behind the clouds, a sound begins to build. 

A low drone floats our way, like static, bypassing the conscious mind, barely leaving a trace. 

It reverberates. It vibrates. Then suddenly, it concentrates.

A quick series of nine syndrum beats punches you gingerly in the face, a weedy, yet somehow piercing attack on the nation’s collective eardrum. 

dum dum   -   dum dum dum – dadadada

To the melody of the EastEnders theme tune, united we chant our anthem, because no! we cannot resist:

Everyone you love is dead.
Everyone you love
and you ever have cared for
Everyone you love is dead
might as well give up
and shoot yourself in the head.

Birds land on the tops of makeshift market stalls, perching among small puddles of yesterday’s rain, collected with care as if they were liquid antiques, staying there indefinitely, like mould on a five-year-old cheese.

Ruffling their feathers reluctantly, the flying vagrants bring the drug deal to a close. Tweety only wanted an eighth today.

Business is slow.
And so the wind blows.

"dude, are you there?"

Monday, 24 March 2014

Reverse hipster

No one wants to be a hipster.

I'm not sure what it is, but currently the main pastime of even the most vaguely 'alternative' people seems to be avoiding the label hipster at all costs (except for a small percentage of cardigan-wearing, moustache-twirling gin drinkers who quite possibly embrace the term, or equally possibly might prefer the term artiste).

Yeah you want to be individual, yeah you want to do your own thing, but hipster? HIPSTER? You'd whack the bastard who suggested that such a term might apply to you heartily in the face before reflecting on its possible truth, surely.


Wikipedia has this to say on the subject:
"Members of the subculture do not self-identify as hipsters, and the word hipster is often used as a pejorative to describe someone who is overly trendy or effete."


Yes, I myself have been accused of being a hipster, for the audacious crime of having a haircut. Why else would I be writing this?

So, what I'm currently doing to work against the hipsterism growing inside me - and I haven't planned this, it just happened - is I'm having a phase of "discovering" and liking music that was mainstream-style popular a few (say between 2 and 5) years ago. I like to think of this move as the reverse hipster (which also sounds like an appropriate name for a sexual position and I will gladly accept suggestions as to what it could entail).

For starters, have some waffles, made and buttered for you by the perfectly-haired Darwin Deez:



And then, of course, there's Grimes, an act who, though I was dimly aware of her, completely sailed past me when the album Visions was everywhere about 2 years ago - even when the album was playing at the office and a customer I was talking to on the phone noticed it playing in the background and interrupted his questions about a Teacher's refresher course to explain to me how awesome that album was.

So yeah, with two year's delay so no one can have a pop at me for being cool, have Grimes being awesome with her brightly coloured hair and her awesome slight lisp:



As I'm sure everyone now realises, what I've done here is to find an excuse to post the two most hipstery videos I could think of and still make it look like I'm totally not a hipster because hey, I did it after it was cool.

Made you look though.


Sunday, 12 January 2014

Meet Doctor Skellington, the world's foremost Bone-ologist

(read the following in a raspy, Peter-Falk-does-Columbo-esque voice with a highly exaggerated American accent)


"Dammit, we don't have time! This is the worst case of Bone-itis I've ever seen. We need to perform a full skeletal lavage. I will be removing the skellington through the nasal cavity for the purposes of the lavage. Nurse Tibia, get me a bone-saw, stat!"

"Doctor Skellington, the patient has sustained a GSW to the teeth. What is your plan of action?"

"We can't risk his Bone-itis flaring up again. I need to remove the entire skellington via the rectum. Book OR 1, stat."

"But Doctor... are you even qualified to do that?"

"I have a double doctorate in Skeletal Proctological Surgery, of course I'm qualified you moron!!"

Dr. Skellington's emergency Skeletal Proctology field kit.

***

Stay tuned for the pilot episode of the upcoming Dr. Skellington comedy radio show.

***

P.S. This the kind of thing that happens when you watch one too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Spotted! Brighton male model Tucker in scandalous, incestuous, nepotistic love triangle with not one, but TWO married women… AGAIN


Toby Tucker: Brighton's beautiful rebel
Toby Tucker, Brighton’s best-loved Z-list celebrity, known for his dabbling in DJ-ing, stage acting and, most recently, modelling, had never seemed like the most innocent of personalities to anyone who’d vaguely heard of him. In the past there have been allegations against Toby that included drug dealing, violent assault, and even DVD piracy. It is no surprise then, that Mr. Tucker is seemingly involved in yet another crooked story that would certainly shock most people’s grandmothers.

Last Thursday, Toby was spotted having what at first seemed like a fairly innocent cup of coffee with two women in a well-known high street coffee outlet on London Road, an area where he regularly carries out retail modelling work. Our eye-witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recalls: “I must admit I was a bit star-struck when I saw Toby with his two girls, and so when they’d finished their drink I followed them, at a distance, to see where they was going. I thought I would, like, soak up a bit of the glamorous lifestyle… but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw”. 

The witness followed the trio to the Brighton Jury’s Inn hotel, where they proceeded to check into a room together. Hungry for more star-studded activities, the eyewitness then scaled the hotel’s wall in order to catch a glimpse into the room on the fourth floor they had entered. “I was never any good at PE in school”, he says, “but the curiosity really gave me strength. And then, when I looked through the window and saw them, doing ‘it’, I almost fell. When I realised who the girls were, well, I actually did fall and I’ve spent the past few days in hospital. But it was well worth it to tell my story and bring the truth to the people out there.”

Doing it with Toby: D. Rott (pictured here at a fancy dress party in May)

The two women Mr. Tucker shared a bed (and various bodily juices! gasp) with that fateful day were identified by the witness as one Mrs. Diane Rott, the married (!) co-owner of several pubs in the Brighton area, and Miss Squeezy Bum (a stage name), a struggling lingerie model/adult filmstar [editor’s note: Miss Bum is currently not married, but for the sake of the headline we can safely assume she might as well be]. Things being as they are in sexually liberated Brighton, the story might have ended there, were it not for the fact that both women are cousins of Toby Tucker’s. On top of that, both have only recently secured lucrative modeling deals with the same agency that employs Mr. Tucker (hmm!).

Three's company: Miss S. Bum, known for various "modelling" jobs, in one of her trademark poses

“It just shows you”, our eye-witness continues from his hospital bed while recovering from several broken limbs, “how DIRTY they are, for one, and secondly, that the only way to get into the industry nowadays is by sleeping around with your close relatives, and not by hard work. I myself have tried my whole adult life to break into modelling, and never have my talents been recognized. And none of my relatives ever offered to sleep with me in return for a favour. But for Toby Tucker and his friends and family, this is all just a game, they don’t care about the ordinary people with true star potential.”

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

And Now: A Word From Our Sponsors

This is important. Tell your friends. Re-twat and like on FriendFace to win an eyePad. Buy it. Buy it now. Buy loads of it. Oh my god, buy so much of it that you drown in it. It will be worth it.

(clicky on the piccy to see larger version of image)